One of my all time favorite questions to ask myself when I notice that I get triggered, annoyed, frustrated, etc. is, “What is actually going on in this moment?” The word actually is a really important word in this question because our creative thinking minds can come up with all sorts of stories about what it thinks is going on but when you take a moment to think about what is actually going on, a more accurate story emerges.
I was recently reminded of this a few weeks ago. My 20 year old autistic son is part of a transition program (Project Search) where the goal is to teach them job skills, coach them along the way in skills they might need (like navigating Indeed, using Uber, visiting places that encourage individuals who are on their own developmental timelines to work for them, etc.), and hopefully find suitable employment at the end of the 9 months. 
My son really wants to work at the hospital they’ve been training at because he knows a lot of people and because my husband, his dad, works there. He found a job that he wanted to interview for and so we helped him create a resume, write a cover letter, get an outfit that he would look nice in. 
Once he heard that he had an interview for this position, we practiced interview questions so he’d feel prepared. He wanted this job badly. We even caught him staying up late to write notes about the interview questions we had practiced. He was giving this interview a lot of his energy and attention.
The morning of the interview, he was not his usual chatty self but was very quiet in the car. I asked him a question and he didn’t answer. I asked if he was okay and he said that he was fine but there was a new rule for me. I was not allowed to ask him questions when he was thinking about something. I laughed out loud as this is an impossible rule to follow and he said it was not funny and needed to be followed. I said I couldn’t do it, explained why and we moved on. 
He had the interview, did great and after a pit stop at home for a quick shower and snack, we were off to his in-person social group. He said something in a tone that was not like him and I was like, “Dude! What is going on today?” He knew exactly what I was talking about BUT more importantly, as soon as I said those words, I knew exactly what was actually going on. 
He had spent a lot of time and energy thinking about the interview. He spent a lot of mental energy getting ready for it and actually doing it. He really wanted it because he wants to be independent. He did it and was now waiting to hear if he got the job or not. His energetic tank was almost on E. 
Had I not considered this all, I would’ve thought he was being a turd. I would have been a little more confrontational with him about his tone and what he was saying. I would’ve been triggered, annoyed, frustrated, etc. at all of the support and encouragement that I had been giving him and getting his attitude in return. 
He was just done and I totally understood. I didn’t take any of it personally. I backed off and gave him time and space. After his social group where they did a bunch of regulating activities, like swinging and heavy-ish lifting, he was back to his chatty self. Had I held onto my annoyance and not considered what was actually going on, we would’ve been right back in the muck of suck. So happy to have this question and that word in my back pocket to help me always. Try it and see if it makes a difference for you in any of your relationships!!
PS - He didn’t get that job but they want him to work there so are doing all they can to find him a job that is a better fit for him.
Margaret Webb
Author of “A Hero’s Journey in Parenting - Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect While You Were Expecting.” Now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Audible version coming soon!
www.margaretwebblifecoach.com
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