An excerpt from my recently published book, “A Hero’s Journey in Parenting: Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect While You Were Expecting.”
“Margaret’s Circles Tool"
**This is one of my most helpful tools and is used in almost every coaching session I conduct.
It can be helpful to view your relationship with your child as a Venn Diagram - one circle being you and one circle being them, overlapping a bit. There are times when things are humming along nicely and your relationship might resemble a perfect Venn Diagram with a nice football shape in the middle.
There are also times when one person’s energy is stronger and tries to dominate the other person. When that happens, the Venn Diagram changes and looks more like one circle covering the other up, which means there is little space for one person to think or communicate their thoughts or feelings.
We can do this to our children and our children can do it to us. I can clearly remember doing this with very strong energy, trying to control my son’s behavior which inevitably led to him responding by doing it right back to me with yelling, flopping, throwing, etc. This was one of the first “good to know” experiences I had with him that resulted in this visual/tool for me! What’s perfect about that!
When emotions get strong, the best thing I have found to do as a parent is to think about what I need to do in order to separate our circles, or scoot them over so the football shape in the center shrinks. This helps me to be able to breath, calm myself and get perspective on what might actually be going on with my child or myself.
If I can consciously minimize overlap or separate my energy from my son in those moments, I can be there for him in a much calmer, more supportive way. This not only helps me, but it helps him because I am not feeding into whatever is causing his distress or fueling the situation. My energy feels safe and steady and he can ride out the wave of his strong emotion at his own pace, which is generally much faster than if I’ve allowed myself to become entangled. And who doesn’t want that?
If my son is upset and I get sucked into his strong emotion, I start having strong emotions and this never feels good. It also helps for me to remember that if I start getting upset with him, I am no longer in a position to best help him. This is not easy and is what I consider to be the ultimate in meditation - to be with someone who is experiencing strong feelings and not get sucked in and want to make it go away asap. So tough!!
When I am able to separate my circle from my son’s circle during these times, I can see more clearly if there is anything that stands out that could have triggered his strong emotional response. This shifts my energy big time and approaching things this way has helped me to make changes that support us all in cycling through times like these so much faster.”
Note - “A Hero’s Journey in Parenting: Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect While You Were Expecting” is available in print and e-book formats on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Margaret Webb www.margaretwebblifecoach.com [email protected]