I was scrolling through social media this morning and saw a question about self care when your child requires a lot of time, energy and attention. I have many thoughts about this and can expand on them over the next few months but first and foremost, taking care of oneself doesn't have to look any certain way because every situation is different.
The following is an excerpt from my book, "A Hero's Journey in Parenting" and thought it was applicable to anyone out there who is struggling with allowing even the smallest amount of self care. For me, it all starts with this question...
"What do I want or need right now?
This simple question offers up so much wisdom to help me in that moment. It shifts everything because instead of things happening TO me, I am now empowering myself to do something different.
When the concept of self care is tossed out, most people jump to the assumption that it means a day at the spa or a week-long vacation. Not so! Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciate those opportunities, but asking myself what I am wanting or needing when I notice those feelings creep in is always fascinating.
Take a minute and ask yourself what YOU are wanting or needing at this moment.
If you are new to this, you may notice that the first things that pop into your mind are things that you could do for your family. Just take a breath and ask yourself again, “What am I wanting or needing right now?”
It might be something that brings you joy like sipping on a delicious coffee or listening through earbuds to YOUR music (not Kids Bop or Radio Disney) while driving your children to their activities.
It might be a phone call to a friend who makes you laugh.
It might be a hug, a nap or five minutes to yourself. (There have been many times I’ve gone to the bathroom simply to have some time alone and even if there were little fingers appearing under the door. I did what I could to take some deep breaths in order to regroup before opening the door.)
It might be noticing an emotion that you didn’t even realize was there wanting to be felt and released. (As I mentioned earlier, the Guardian of the Heart likes to protect you from feeling emotions AND releasing stored emotions can be a wonderful form of self care.)
If this is something you haven’t allowed for yourself in a while, I strongly encourage you to create a list or menu of things that help you to refuel and recharge. It was helpful for me because I was so used to NOT giving myself what I needed or wanted that having something I could refer to when my mind went blank despite knowing I desperately needed something helped tremendously.
At first, it felt really uncomfortable, as though it was selfish and like I was trying to get away with something or like I was breaking some sort of parenting law. Funny, right?! Or maybe you can relate. Regardless, I can honestly say that my family has truly benefited from me taking care of myself.
I no longer carry around that undercurrent of energy filled with exhaustion, annoyance, frustration or irritation and if I do notice it emerging, I know what to do! I also feel really good about encouraging them to care for themselves by doing what they want and need so it goes both ways.
Margaret’s Self Care Menu:
taking some deep breaths
a long, hot shower
5 minutes of quiet
Sunday afternoon nap
husband taking over when our son is stuck on something and I’m losing my patience with him
date night
night alone at nearby hotel
a good cry
coffee in my favorite buffalo plaid mug
getting a massage
pjs at 5 pm
takeout or DoorDash for dinner
grocery shopping alone or utilizing grocery delivery service like Instacart
a hug
listening to a podcast that resets my thinking
watching a favorite show or movie
doing nothing
spending a weekend morning purging and decluttering
a glass of wine while chatting with a faraway friend
listening to music that feels like me even if it is through my earbuds
dancing and singing into a wooden spoon while making dinner
What sorts of self care things would be on your menu?"
Sending a big hug if you need and always know that you are not alone.